Cough,Cough
by HeadfirstForHalos412
Summary: Shunsui has always watched Joushiro sleep when he's sick. It's always the same. But tonight, it isn't... rated K . Rather angsty D: Shunsui/Ukitake


Disclaimer: I remember the notices going round that you needed disclaimers. I always reckoned they were trolls.

Cough, Cough

Cough, cough. It always starts with 'just a cough'. How many years have we known each other, Joushiro? How many millenia has it been now? And yet, I still can't stand that sound... I feel like I'm back at the academy, my first day. You were to be sitting beside me, and yet, you never arrived. When I went to find out about you, that was when it began.

The first time I saw you, I knew I was in love.

I still feel as I did back then. I feel as though my heart could break, as you wheeze and cough, choking for breath. I doubt it'll ever get used to this pain. As I watch over you every night, it gets no easier. Will this night be the last? What if he doesn't make it this time? As these thoughts swirl around my head, it's all I can do to stay quiet.

I long to reach out to you. To touch your hair, your lips, to feel the life still coursing through you. It could be my last chance to feel it. And then I watch your chest rise as you take your next ragged breath, and I realise how pointless that would be. You will never know how much I care for you. I doubt you could ever understand. You probably wouldn't even want to... Why burden you with the guilt of my rejection, when I can just look at a woman once in a while, and keep you obliviously happy?

Cough, cough. And so it begins again. I can't bear to watch you suffer so, and yet I can't bear to pull my eyes away. The fresh bout of coughing etches itself into my heart once again, reopening the already painfully gaping wound. It's almost morning, I can see the sun beginning to peek over the walls of Seireitei. I have to go...

And yet, I find myself returning. A smile fixed firmly in place, and a cup of sake in hand. He would never guess I'd been in here this morning. He never has. I sit myself down beside him, as he turns his head to smile warmly. A smile too warm for such a gaunt looking face. He looks like death itself, if death was paler. My heart pangs. The wound has torn itself open further inside me, and I stumble over my words.

"Drunk again, Shunsui? Steady on, it's still the morning!" Joushiro laughs weakly, before another bout of coughing commences.

I talk through it. I know he likes me to ignore it. His own mortality pains him at times like these. This thought chokes me.

"Shunsui, can I ask you a question?"

I brace myself for the worst.

"What's your favourite kind of sake? I need to know for when I recover... we can celebrate like old times. Just me and you..."

Another bout of coughing, as I try to remove the lump in my throat. "I don't mind, if you pick it, I'm sure I'll enjoy it." I should really stop looking into his eyes. But I just can't help it -it's the only part of him that looks truly alive at times like these.

I see some colour crawl up his cheeks. Is his cough getting worse? What is it now, has his fever returned? He slides himself down below his covers a little more, still watching me. He's smiling - is he hiding his pain? I can never tell with him...

He clears his throat. It sounds grating, and I inwardly wince. "I'm pretty sure I'll be better by tomorrow morning. I can feel my strength returning. I hope so anyway..."

I nod. "It must be pretty tough going on you... I'm sorry I can't do anything for you."

He smiles. "It's not so bad. I can never sleep, since it's harder to breathe, but I can deal with that."

I freeze. So after how many years he drops this bombshell? I look away, I need to come up with something quick. Should I just deny my visits, put it down to his fever... or should I... or maybe...

I stand up. I should probably go. He's probably really annoyed at me for always hanging around, that's why he brought it up. I'm afraid, I don't want to hear it. I don't think I could bear his anger, his rejection.

"So Shunsui... how many years does this make it now?"

"...eh?" I knew it. I can't face him.

"How many years since you first sat with me at night?"

I sigh. The jig's up. This is it. "Well, how many years have we known each other?"

He laughs a weak laugh, interrupted by a few spluttering coughs. I slowly turn. There is no anger on his face, but I'm sure there's confusion on mine. It's now his eyes that are locked on mine, and I still can't pull mine away. He sighs to himself and pulls himself up. I immediately rush to grab him, but he's steady, so I let my hand drop to my side again. It's amazing how much strength he has within him...

He's still gazing at me intently. Is he going to hit me? Throw me out? Scorn me? Or break my heart completely and laugh at me. He takes a deep breath, as though steadying himself. Maybe he's still not as strong as he's letting on... but I don't want to annoy him further. I let it slide.

"So, am I going to have to be the adult in this situation then?"

I lower my head, preparing for a verbal, or physical (though I doubt it in his current state) thrashing. I've never seen him like this. He's usually just beaming at everyone, I've never seen him so serious. It truly is daunting, but it truly is the once expression I could never tear my eyes from.

He sighs again. "Shunsui, at least raise your head a bit! I'm trying to ask you something."

I do, dreading the next sentence.

"Have you ever known that I watch you every night like this?"

I raise my head a little further. "Joushiro... shouldn't that be my question?"

"But you already know the answer to that one, idiot." He chuckles to himself.

I laugh too, despite myself. This really is turning out to be a tragedy on my part. He's finding it all hilarious... and I'm totally speechless. It's probably the first time in a few centuries...

"Shunsui, I do hope you realise that I love you."

I'm sure my eyes are now about the size of saucers. But it doesn't matter any more. I have died and gone to heaven... no, I already am in heaven. A heaven within a heaven. It could only be called Joushiro.

"Oh... well. Sorry for that. I didn't realise you didn't figure it out already..." It's now his turn to look away, and lower his head. The action melts my heart. It's been a long time since I've felt so... jelly-like.

As I said before, with Joushiro and I, logic doesn't apply. Well, on my part. Even so, I was quite suprised at myself. I lunged at him, taking his frail body in my arms. I have never felt warmth like it before, and for a moment, I was truly content. I closed my eyes, and let myself soak in his warmth, his smell, his... everything...

"Shunsui, I really can't... *cough*... breathe here."

What an idiot. That cost him another day and night in his bed, thanks to me. Although that night wasn't as painful as my countless others. This night isn't filled with what ifs, or with empty wishes. This night, I know that no matter what happens I will live with him, love with him, laugh with him, and when his times comes, die with him.

This is my promise to myself and to him, from millenia ago, when I first cast eyes on him. And through the years, it has only become stronger. And now, he knows it.

* * *

A/N: DON"T JUDGE ME FOR THE ANGST. I don't know what came over me. I apologise.

I dedicate this to kumakun and Sinreban, for giving me the kick I needed to write this fic.

Also, I dedicate this to everyone back in Ireland, whom I suspect filled me with enough angst to write this lol. I miss you guys 3


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